I'd like to say that I stopped blogging because I saw through it's empty media hype, but sadly no. I stopped blogging because I forgot all of my information. What does this tell me? That everything about me is so easily forgettable that even I, myself cannot be bothered to remember it.
My apologies, I'm having another poor me day. I've been having too many of those these days, but since this is MY blog and I'm the only one reading it then I can say whatever I biscuit flipping want!!! I want this to be a place where I can be honest with myself. I've let my journal fall to the wayside and I'm not proud of that. When I'm writing I feel like it's the only way for me to be honest with myself. So here we go!
It's winter, freezing feet, face, hands, butt and other extremities, winter. For all the obvious reasons, I hate it. However, I mostly hate it because it seems like winter takes away all your options. Especially when you are broke and have no means of transportation. And don't expect sympathy from the people around you! "It's your own fault you don't have your drivers license. You want more money? Get another job!" Well thank you Captain Well-Meaning-Obvious-Truth-Spewers! Good Lord people. I KNOW ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! You ask me why I'm not happy or in a good mood, but you don't want my honest answer? Fine, I'll keep all my crap to myself, smile happily, and say "I'm doing just amazingly, thank you for asking" and then proceed to scream profanities at you in my head. This is why I can't share my feelings, you won't listen without trying to fix it or giving me the same recycled advice. I'm so tired of being unable to talk to someone without the fear of burdening them or being misunderstood.
I recently decided to try online dating, because being rejected in real life wasn't enough. In all seriousness two women that I love dearly found there spouses online and have been encouraging me to try it. I'd been considering it, but setting it to the back of my mind because the idea of it kind of scared me. Then one night an old school mate of mine posted on Facebook some class pictures and tagged me and a bunch of our other classmates in the picture. On a whim I decided to see what everyone has been up to and was soon depressed greatly by what I discovered. Everyone was either in a relationship, having kids or married; and here I am sitting in the dark with my laptop forever alone. So almost without thinking I created a profile on a dating site. I won't tell you the name because it even sounds embarrassing. From the very beginning I decided to be as honest as possible and was very successful in getting inappropriate messages, winks, and creepy comments. I found two married men who both have bisexual wives and they're looking for a new wife to spice up there marriage. It hasn't all been bad. I found one guy who genuinely seems like a nice guy and I enjoy talking to him. However, he's in a relationship and is just looking for friends. I am all too familiar with the "Friend Zone". I don't mind so much now, talking to him feels like practice for talking to other guys and I'm proving to myself I won't fall in love with any guy who pays attention to me...mostly. Although I'm really not looking for friends. I want to fall in love, get married, and have kids. Since this dating site wasn't giving me love I decided to try another, OkCupid. I was somewhat more encouraged by this site because it seems way more detailed and less creepy. This feeling didn't last long. I stated very clearly that I'm looking for a Christian man without children, hopefully living close-ish to me. Hardly any of the men they are sending me have a religion at all! I am striving to make Jesus first in my life and I cannot do that by unequally yoking myself. Currently I am talking to two different guys, and if I'm being honest I don't really like either of them. One is talkative and a believer, but he loves to talk about himself too much and doesn't want kids. The other doesn't talk longer than a couple sentences, has an empty profile (which means he hasn't chosen a religion), and he doesn't read. I know I sound crazy picky, but this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with! I want to make babies, grow closer to Christ, and see the world with him. Shouldn't I be picky? Why do I have to settle for mediocrity when all I want is to make someone happy and be loved?
